Often the worst parts of yourself come out with the person you are married to or in an intimate relationship with. Struggles of trust, regulating closeness without feeling engulfed or abandoned but finding a comfortable balance, negotiating, and most importantly, how to have a discussion are part of couple dynamics. People often talk to each other without feeling heard by the other. Often people respond out of a defensive hurt place, seeing the other as a mirror to how good s/he is, rather than seeing the other as a whole person struggling.
In couples counseling you will learn how to stop playing the blame game. You will learn how to stop fighting and trying to win, and start trying to understand what your husband/wife/partner is trying to say. Often wounds developed over a lifetime, get rubbed up against in relationship. In couples counseling you will learn what are sensitive issues for you and why and what the sensitive issues are for your partner. You will both learn how to treat each other with empathy and compassion. You will learn how to work as a team rather than fighting to be heard.
Individual issues appear quickly in couples therapy. I help the couple tease out their individual issues which, ironically, are often, if not identical, very similar. Each person in the couple will learn how s/he participates and the special dynamics between the couple. I will focus on what brought you together and when the relationship started to change and why. Often people find each other to compete some part of themselves that is not whole. Sometimes, the characteristics that attracted you to each other start to be the exact same ones that make you angry or fearful.
- Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
- A Grown Up Marriage by Judith Viorst
- Intimate Partners by Maggie Scarf
- Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
All kinds of feelings are attached to money. It never fails, couples come in arguing over how money is spent. Wife might say that she feels good if she wears pretty clothing, while the husband screams, “how many dresses does she need?!!” He, on the other hand feels that it is more prudent to save the money or “invest” it in a new computer…… Or in many other scenarios there is the saver/spender combination. One spends more freely wanting to live well in the now, while the other wants to make sure that they are secure in the future.. Both make perfect sense while talking in theory. But what we must figure out is the reality of the situation.
Whatever the financial issues, I have my standard line, “can I see a copy of your budget?” To this most people stare blankly at me, as if I am speaking a different language. It surprises me just how few people have budget plans even though the conflicts around money cause such anxiety and anger. Part of the dynamic, then, might be around negotiating closeness and distance instead of just differing on money. Often couples need a reason to maintain distance when intimacy is too scary or feels to engulfing. Other issues get tied up into money as well, such as power/control, just who’s money is it anyway(does it have something to do with who is earning it), how should it be spent, how much should be saved, values and priorities, messages about money growing up, etc.
Having a budget, takes some of the feeling out of the discussion. If, for example, one spouse wants to redo the kitchen and the other is furious about that, we have to know what the working budget is, what the priorities are, how the couple has negotiated based on actual numbers, rather than just ideology. I often hear people say something like, “for an extra 100 dollars a month, it is worth it to me to get the premium cable channels, that is my only entertainment” (and I deserve it is often the sentiment, said or unsaid). This makes perfect sense if the $100 is in the budget, that is if the income exceeds expenses and savings for the future. Otherwise, what the conversation is really about is “how important am I,” or “ what do I deserve.” Ideology, without hard numbers gets people into quick financial ruins and power struggles with their spouses.
So, like Suze Orman always shouts on her tv show segment, Can I Afford It, I say, “SHOW ME THE MONEY.” Then, and only then, can we tease out the numbers from the feelings and often early messages and wounds from childhood regarding money.
Living with someone usually means that there will be times of irritation and anger. People have annoying habits like chewing loudly, whistling, humming, or listening to t.v when really all you want is quiet. Or, bump it up a notch, and your spouse may not be up to snuff on all chores or might not have the same standard of tidiness that you aspire to. These are the everyday irritations of married life. If you feel rage as opposed to annoyance, about some of these aggravations, maybe with thoughts of, “what about me, am I not worth anything?” “can’t you see me?”, “What disrespect!”, then maybe you are reacting to something more. Maybe what you are really responding to are psychological wounds that get brushed up against whenever anyone is not tuned into you.
Often times these wounds are pronounced when you grow up with a parent who is not so tuned into your feelings and needs. When a child’s thoughts and feelings are either unattended to or at the other extreme dealt with in an aggressive way, with yelling and or hitting, throughout childhood, this child often suffers internal wounds. These wounds may present as being extra sensitive to slights of any kind, like if your spouse does not clean up just right, or leaves the laundry at the bottom of the steps, or does not give you the attention that you want when you want it……
Anytime there is more than one person in a room, needs have to be negotiated to some degree and sometimes this can be aggravating. But if you find yourself raging, it might be time to do a self check to see if some of these powerful feelings might be coming from the present and the past.
I say the word, “acceptance” about 50 times a week while I am seeing clients. I say this to the husband regarding the wife and vice versa. I say this to adult children about their parents. I repeat it to parents regarding their children. I say it over and over again so I thought I would write about it. There are so many issues I hear about that lead me to say, “it is YOU who has to change, and ACCEPT that this is who your _____(fill in the blank) is.
For example, the Thins get upset about the Overweights, the Savers get upset with the Spenders, the Spenders get upset with the Savers, the Neats get upset with the
Messies, the Earlies get upset with the Lates……….. These conflicts may seem minor in the scheme of relationships, but not to the people upset about these issues. I might say to the very thin health conscious wife that her husband will probably never be thin, that really she needs to change, her expectations, accept that her husband has a different style than she does. When she sees him take the extra sausage with his eggs, it is she who has to work on her impulse to tell him what to do. I have yet to see a spouse appreciate the wisdom offered. The more times the wisdom, whatever the topic, is repeated, the less it is appreciated and the more resentment seeps into the relationship.
When the daughter yells about how difficult her mother is for millionth time, how critical, how negative how she tried to explain to her mother yet again what she is doing wrong and how she should be a better mother, I stop the daughter. I explain to the daughter that she has to ACCEPT that this is who her mother is. I ask the daughter how she is going to live her life given that this is who her mother is. I suggest coping mechanisms to the daughter to keep the mother’s toxic words, looks, and vibes from sending daughter into despair and/or rage.
In our relationships with others, we have to figure out how to take what feels positive and leave the rest. Nobody comes in a perfect package. It is often so easy to see the “weaknesses” in others, so much so that sometimes we forget about the focus on ourselves and what we bring to the relationships.
