ACCEPTANCE
I say the word, “acceptance” about 50 times a week while I am seeing clients. I say this to the husband regarding the wife and vice versa. I say this to adult children about their parents. I repeat it to parents regarding their children. I say it over and over again so I thought I would write about it. There are so many issues I hear about that lead me to say, “it is YOU who has to change, and ACCEPT that this is who your _____(fill in the blank) is.
For example, the Thins get upset about the Overweights, the Savers get upset with the Spenders, the Spenders get upset with the Savers, the Neats get upset with the
Messies, the Earlies get upset with the Lates……….. These conflicts may seem minor in the scheme of relationships, but not to the people upset about these issues. I might say to the very thin health conscious wife that her husband will probably never be thin, that really she needs to change, her expectations, accept that her husband has a different style than she does. When she sees him take the extra sausage with his eggs, it is she who has to work on her impulse to tell him what to do. I have yet to see a spouse appreciate the wisdom offered. The more times the wisdom, whatever the topic, is repeated, the less it is appreciated and the more resentment seeps into the relationship.
When the daughter yells about how difficult her mother is for millionth time, how critical, how negative how she tried to explain to her mother yet again what she is doing wrong and how she should be a better mother, I stop the daughter. I explain to the daughter that she has to ACCEPT that this is who her mother is. I ask the daughter how she is going to live her life given that this is who her mother is. I suggest coping mechanisms to the daughter to keep the mother’s toxic words, looks, and vibes from sending daughter into despair and/or rage.
In our relationships with others, we have to figure out how to take what feels positive and leave the rest. Nobody comes in a perfect package. It is often so easy to see the “weaknesses” in others, so much so that sometimes we forget about the focus on ourselves and what we bring to the relationships.
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