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Divorce

Internal and external devastation, and then, more devastation, even if you wanted out of the marriage, even if you imagined not being with your ex for a long time. The only people who might feel relief entirely are those without children, but even then, that’s rare. If there are children involved, expect more devastation. You must remember that you won’t always feel like you do now. Maybe you didn’t even begin to feel anything until years after the divorce. In the beginning, people are often in survival mode, finding a new home, working out custody arrangements, focusing on money issues, finding jobs or going back to full time work, an endless basket of changes. Many have described divorce as a roller coaster ride, sometimes feeling free to live life as you want, full of hope and possibilities, only to crash the next day or the next hour, filled with fear, dread and loss. And remember, one loss tends to drudge up all previous losses. Often the stress is too much and depression makes it hard to function, or you may look to alcohol, drugs, food, work, sex, shopping, or anything else to the extreme, that can help you regulate your intense emotions. The trouble is, the above coping mechanisms are short lived and they make matters worse over time.

Very often, people find that they never anticipated how devastating divorce would be to themselves or their children. People have likened the level of stress to being in a car crash every day for a year. The people going through divorce know that divorce with children is never quite over, it keeps on going through many stages, changes and transitions. Here is what you need to remember while in the storm of conflicting emotions, healing is rarely ever a linear process, feelings get kicked up when the ex moves on, when kids are away, especially if it’s a holiday, if they are with a parent who you don’t respect, at nighttime, when it’s time to kiss your children good-night, during special occasions like graduation when your ex and new family are there as well, when the kids have a fantastic time with the other parent and you missed out on it, and even though you try to be highly evolved for the sake of your children, fear about your children wanting to stay with the other parent for good.

If you are still drowning in the emotions, whether sadness, anger, fear, or anxiety are taking over, you owe it to yourself and your children to get the help that you need. How tragic for children to feel overwhelmed with their own feelings and not be able to turn to their parents who are unable to help because of being overwhelmed themselves. Your children need you to be okay so that you can help them. Learn what you can do to tolerate your feelings, to mourn the loss, to stop from escalating battles, which place your children between their warring parents, pulling them apart and placing them at risk for many destructive behaviors such as poor grades, drinking, drugs, cutting, overeating, binging/purging, sexual promiscuity, isolation, etc. You deserve to be okay, but if that’s not convincing, then help yourself for your children.

Hearts Divided: Finding Peace During the Holidays in Divorced Families

Holidays can be land mines for divorced families. Often saying good-bye to the kids can be difficult during a usual week, but there is something more difficult during the holidays. Special celebrations are usually focused around family, so saying good-bye at these times can be even harder.

Often people’s expectations for holidays are set high, and extended family is often around adding to the stress and emotional volatility. Top that off with cooking and cleaning, and the final product can be depression and anxiety.

Try to tease out what is going on. There are a myriad of difficult family dynamics including: watching your children go off to celebrate with a parent that you don’t like, being furious that you have to bare the pain of a divorced family when that is not what you would have chosen, standing the guilt of being the one to break up your family and continually having to watch the emotional fallout of everyone involved particularly on the holidays, dealing with extended family’s pain and difficulty in moving on…… the list goes on and on depending on your own personal experiences and family dynamics.

It is necessary that you stay conscious of your own feelings so that you don’t inflict them unintentionally on your children. Your role as a parent is to take care of yourself, in this case managing your own feelings by either writing about them, talking with a friend, or therapist, so that you can separate your own feelings from those of the kids, so that you can best help them as necessary.

If your heart feels broken in two particularly on the holidays, find the support that you need. There are many different ways to work out holiday arrangements, not just the every other holiday deal that most people seem chained to. Talk to other divorced parents who have been where you are and have worked through some of the pain.

Hearts do heal, but very rarely in isolation. Be extra gentle with yourself especially around holidays when emotions can run extra high, and evaluate if you are on the road to finding peace or seem stuck in your pain. If it is the latter, then do something to help yourself, like reach out for help.