Our world is changing, gay and lesbian people are more accepted than ever before across the country. Six states in the U.S have gay marriage, but this does not mean that all is right inside of you. This does not mean that your family, community or even workplace is safe. A lifetime of fear or the inability to know your sexual identity does not suddenly transform into an integrated person. Therapy is a process that helps integrate the mishmash of pieces into a whole self. You deserve to become the very best you, that is, without depression, anxiety, addictions and many other self-destructive behaviors that happen when a person is not integrated.
Often accepting your identity or even being able to identify what your sexual identity is comes with challenges from within and from the outside. If you are at a point where you just question if you’re gay, not sure, don’t want to pin any labels on yourself, that’s fine, give yourself permission to take the time and space that you need to get comfortable. Exploration can be loaded, lots of judgments, both internal and external that might keep you from allowing yourself the opportunity to know yourself. Many people begin the process with wondering how can they really know if they are gay.
Most heterosexuals don’t seem to repeatedly ask the question, “am I gay?” Think about your experiences, thoughts, fantasies and feelings that make you even question your sexuality. These are clues into who you are and what kinds of relationships are most comfortable for you. Chances are that you have all kinds of conflicting feelings for different reasons. This process can be difficult to do on your own, to tease out the fears from the actual feelings, to keep from having myths get into your thought process, and many more difficulties that make this difficult to go through alone. Whatever you go through, it is always more difficult in isolation. Fear, shame, depression and desperation all grow when you are alone.
You may worry that if you go to a spiritual leader, you will be steered in a certain direction, or if you go to a therapist you will be steered in another direction. Be sure to find someone who can be exactly where you are, someone who can listen to your struggles and understand all of the complexities of your dilemma, not someone who is going to advise you to be one way or another.
This can be a very irritating, even dangerous, question depending on who is doing the asking. Often when straight people focus on the “cause”, they are looking to pathologize. People are not asked why others are left handed and I never hear people wonder how someone came to be heterosexual.
Sexuality is just another statistically ordinary characteristic among humans and animals alike. The question of what “causes” homosexuality is only asked in societies who think of gay people as weird or sick. In many cultures around the world, homosexuality and transgender are regarded for the natural occurrence that they are.
In Biological Exuberance, a very detailed scientific book by Bruce Bagemihl, Ph.D, homosexual behavior is reviewed in more than 450 different kinds of animals around the world., found in every major geographic region and every major animal group. You might wonder just how the author can know about animals’ sexual preference since he can’t interview these animals. I mean it would be one thing if he could as a male goose, “hey would you rather have an intimate evening with Bob or Barbara this eve?” but he manages to visually decode animal lifestyles without talking Goose or any other animal language. Dr. Bagemihl was able to capture how animals court each other using mating devices, how animals caress and kiss each other showing tenderness and affection towards one another, how they form lasting pair bonds, some meet briefly for sex, others build nests together and many homosexual pairs raise young without members of the opposite sex among animals who more commonly do so in heterosexual pairs. . The author goes on to show how many forms of these animal same sex partnerships are exclusive or monogamous. In many species, especially birds, same sex pairs raise their young together, as in a blended family, while others raise young without being the biological parent of the offspring that they care for as in adoptive parents. It is amazing that sexual behavior among animals and humans is so similar.
Before you marginalize, undermine, or simply pooh pooh animal behavior as somehow beneath humans and therefore we should not even be compared to them, they are able to have lifelong monogamy, and care for each other in their various family constellations in a way that humans long for. In other words, they manage without divorces, or lawyers or hatred. And none of their heterosexual “neighbors” have any aggressive behavior towards these “different” kinds of families.
The author also talks about how widespread bisexuality is and how transgender animals are also part of the animal kingdom. While a moose does not say, “I USED to be Robert and now I go by Roberta,” many animals have characteristics of both males and females in their appearance or behavior. Many don’t like the “T” on the end of LGBT, feel a different species has been tacked on, and have heard people say that they can accept the whole gay thing but transgender is taking it too far. Just as homosexuality has been feared mostly due to lack of education, transgender people have been discriminated against for exactly the same reason.
Just like in the animal kingdom, people come into the world hard wired to love either same sex or opposite sex, sometimes both. There are so many different myths about the “cause” of homosexuality. Some that come to mind are: being too close to mom, being too close to dad, mom being distant, dad being distant, early loss of mom, early loss of dad, played with boys to young, played with girls to young, gay influence from our culture, gay relative’s influence, Satan’s influence, physical and/or sexual abuse( most abusive victims are heterosexual), etc. Watch out for, avoid avoid avoid any linear causal relationship that might come to mind. The truth is that gay people come from every early experience listed above, right along with heterosexual people. There may be extreme situations of abuse where a person does not have a sense of sexuality, the self has been so destroyed that all that is available are fragments. This is less about sexuality and more about a severely injured self . A comparison might be to schizophrenia. Earlier in history (not so long ago, 1970’s), therapists talked about the schizophrenogenic mother as the cause to someone becoming schizophrenic . It was thought that the mother put the child in double binds, was severely abusive, and in affect made the child psychotic. The governing boards of psychiatry, psychology and social work have learned over time that in the majority or incidences, there is a genetic predisposition but in the rare and extreme case, one could be abused enough to become psychotic. I am in no way comparing homosexuality to a disease, just showing how damaging causal analyses can be. Can you imagine those poor mothers believing that they caused their sons and daughters to become ill. There are, unfortunately, plenty parents who believe that some way or another they caused the sexuality of their children, still stuck believing that one, they could cause such an occurrence, and two that something is not normal about being gay.
Often family members need help coping when someone close to them comes out. It is not because they are bad or even necessarily narcissistic as described above, but for many reasons, depression can become a struggle. Often how they thought of their family member, the hopes and dreams that they had, the fantasies of the future can all come crashing down at once. It is often beneficial for them to get the help that they need as well.
Gay people come from all different kinds of families, some of who will mostly aid the coming out process and be supportive of an individual’s identity, and some who will mostly hinder the individual when extra support is what is needed. There are as many coming out stories and receptions to those stories as the people telling them and listening to them. The tales that are most fraught with pain are the stories from individuals with more narcissistic parents. These parents tend to focus on themselves and how having a gay child reflects on them, maybe question what they have done wrong to cause homosexuality, or can only focus on the “imperfect” family and shame that they experience. If the child was of special status, the “messiah” in the family before the outing, the intensity of narcissistic injury magnifies exponentially.
Of course, the wounding to the child does not begin during the coming out process, though might be seen in full focus, most likely over the years, if we look closely, there will be a history of not supporting the self of the child.
It is our task to learn how to deal with wounds from our parents that happen in the present and the ones from the past. We must learn how we anticipate these same narcissistic voices in others and how we have these same voices inside of us. These parents, wherever they are on the narcissism continuum are inside of you still speaking loudly. It is your task to turn down the volume on old voices and learn about yourself, learn how you react to these voices, learn how you choose people who echo these voices, and finally, learn how you too, against your best intentions, maybe just sometimes, hear your own voice responding in similar ways. You do have the power to be different, to treat your children differently, you do you do you do, but only if you are aware, are conscious of, who you are, what you are saying, why you are saying it, how you are responding, what you are responding to, fears that you are reacting to, have awareness of your own boundaries, have the ability to negotiate closeness that is not engulfing, able to have distance without being cold and distant, and have the ability to listen to your own feelings without judging yourself harshly.
So why is this so difficult? Because, lessons learned early in life, over the span of decades, are always, at least a little bit, with us. We all have the ability to change if we are willing to be brave and put forth the effort and time. Parents MAY also change over time. Though this possibility must be teased out from your continual wish, or hope to change what is actually fixed, because some things and some people are unwilling or unable for lots of reasons to see themselves, how they participate in the world, in discussions, and in their relationship with you.
If you keep trying to explain, just one more time, hoping that this time, your parent will understand, stop looking at your parent, and start looking at yourself, your sad self, who also can’t see or refuses to accept the writing on the wall, the reality of the situation. You are banging your head on the wall and expecting your parent to change, refusing to see that you keep making yourself bruised and bloody.
When you become and adult, it becomes your responsibility to set boundaries and limits for your own parents, now that is no longer a parent child relationship. So, if your parent’s boundaries, are, shall we say, less than ideal, treating you as a child, or part of her/him, you must communicate what is acceptable, and what will no longer be tolerated. I hear you loud and clear, “HONEY YOU DON’T KNOW MY MOTHER!” Yes, yes, I do, and so do lots of other people…..
If you have trouble in this area, get the help that you need. If you are a pleaser and get pushed and pushed into submission or at the other extreme, find yourself raging, you are reacting to the same set of circumstances. In both circumstances you are trying to protect your shaky self. If you fall into these same patterns repeatedly, get the help to develop coping skills to deal with your difficult parents, or whoever is difficult in your life. More often it is YOU who has to change, yes you, the pleaser, the one who tries to appease. You have to see how you participate, how YOU let the pattern go on, how YOU almost invite these same dynamics to go on.
There are many more issues that GLBT people struggle with throughout their lives. Other issues include religious issues, parenting issues, discrimination, further sexual identity issues including femininity/masculinity, coming out after being in a heterosexual marriage (including divorce), internalized homophobia.
Gay couples have much more to contend with, just by being in a gay couple. United States politics with discriminatory laws and personal discrimination within society and families bare down on the couple, putting extra stress on gay couples and families.
In our world today, where all of the mental health associations (American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, National Association of Social Workers) all agree that being gay is not a diagnosis but just another way of being that is healthy. Yet, we have laws that make it more difficult to have relationships and protect our families. Some states have civil unions which still cause problems protecting rights because many laws are written with the terms, “spouse” which still keep gay couples from fair treatment under the law.
Many people wonder why marriage is so important, unaware of the many financial necessities that marriage allows including social security, cobra benefits, paid sick leave to care for a partner, Family and Medical Leave rights, tax exemptions to name just some of the extra financial burdens. The financial aspect is one sliver, a very important one, of the whole marriage package.
Without legal status there is not the same social support that a heterosexual couple gets through marriage. Often there is no ceremony, no gifts to get the couple started, no anniversary to mark (often couples choose a date), no coming together from the community, no ability to visit the partner in the hospital (not considered family by legal standards).
Betty Berzon, in Permanent Partners points out that the lack of “such legal and social supports represents a constant reminder of society’s view of same sex couples as transitory, illicit, and not to be taken seriously. These attitudes become internalized and thus plague the lovers’ relationship from within”. Berzon goes on to say that “without public acknowledgement of the true nature of their relationship, the gay and lesbian couple must sometimes endure bizarre treatment at the hands of the unenlightened.”
In some ways our unions are not counted, people don’t even know about them, we exist separately from the world. Often our relationships are not even welcomed by our family of origin, let alone celebrated, more disapproval, more turmoil, more potential to pull couples apart. . Sometimes the gay person can’t have lover and particular members of the family of origin in the same place, a rejection of the couple, but also of the gay family member. Family events, work events, traveling ( is the hotel gay friendly), neighborhood parties (on a republican block) can give pause. Even out everywhere gays and lesbians are conscious of who they are talking to and the potential reaction to speaking about her partner. Whereas, to announce that you are married is like telling people you belong to the right club. Wearing a wedding ring, means that you are loved and have reached a wonderful place in life (at least in theory).
Berzon wrote, The Gay National Anthem: “Why Don’t We Just Break Up?” On top of the outside legal and social forces pulling us apart, Berzon writes how we contribute to our own difficulties with this anthem:
- Why don’t we just break up?
- This relationship is over.
- It just isn’t working for me anymore.
- I think I ought to move out.
- I think you ought to move out.
- I don’t need all this hassle.
- I’d rather be alone.
- I’m not even sure I’m gay.
The truth in this makes me laugh, though it really is quite sad. While gay couples are not the only ones to sing this song, there are more challenges that might accelerate a gay person to this place quicker. The last line reminds me how gay people often have grown up going against a current, having had to deny identity, cut off their sexuality, put it in a separate box inside their mind, perhaps aware, but separate, not integrated into their selves. So when everything is up in the air, when relationships are torn and tattered, when selfhood is threatened, we may question whether we really are this “alternative” person. People may question for years whether they are gay, or if the label feels right. Eventually, questioning happens less over time. If the ground beneath feels like it is starting to move, if you find yourself questioning more often and perhaps going back over all of your relationships in your mind to search for answers, try imagining a world that is equally accepting of gay and straight couples, that boys and girls are educated in school and at home about the different kinds of relationships and families early on and all throughout their lives, that gay families and relationships are portrayed in a realistic and positive way on tv and in movies, that being called gay in the world is just another descriptive word with positive judgments attached. Now, after that, imagine that you are wading along the ocean’s edge with your spouse, who is next to you. Chances are you are peaceful and not singing the anthem, particularly the last line. Until more changes occur in that direction, I’m afraid that gay people have to fight harder to know themselves, have to give up the ease and comfort of being celebrated and treated equally for now, have to stand the intolerance of living in an ignorant world full of unkindness. I can understand why a gay person would have to , somewhat compulsively, keep checking to make sure s/he really is gay.
Berzon makes some concrete suggestions to stave off reactivity and keep a relationship from heading toward Splittsville. “Instead of, “I want to break up”, how about, “I want to tell you what I’m unhappy about”, or “I’m unhappy and I’m not sure why”. Instead of, “I’m leaving”, how about, “I’m hurt, angry disappointed, et cetera. Instead of, “I don’t need this hassle”, how about, “I do need you to listen to me”. Instead of, “this relationship is over”, how about, “we need to start talking.””
Both Homos and Heteros fall all along the mental health spectrum. What defines mental health? When I tried to look up the definition of mental health or psychologically sound, the words were vague and circular. It depends on religion (for those who are religious), culture, how well someone enjoys life….. It seems everyone has a different definition and many conflict. Generally most clinicians would agree that mental health is about wholeness, being a separate self in your own right, with good boundaries and able to have positive relationships over time and the ability to work (if that is even necessary). Even pathologizing is difficult, two people with the same diagnosis can look very different. I don’t want to get tripped up here on what defines healthy, generally we recognize people who tend toward stability and those that tend toward the other end, instability. And what I’m trying to say is that heterosexual and gay paople fall along this spectrum.
As stated before, both gay and straight people come from every background, every type of early experience, every kind of early experience with their parents. However it is we end up defining health vs. illness, functioning vs. nonfunctioning, internal distress vs. internal rest, any polarity that you would like to make a continuum out of, we will find that gays and straights fall all along the spectrum.
While some same sex couples take on the traditional roles of the woman or the man, generally roles are negotiated more, and they are less likely to slip into the unconscious expectations of what the other’s role is as often happens in the most enlightened heterosexual couples. Also, lesbians who are self-aware early on accept that they will have to take care of themselves, no looking for a hubby in college to be her sugar daddy so that she can be taken care of.
While many people are bisexual, even if they have a preference for one sex over the other, sometimes people say they are bisexual or even label themselves heterosexual because it is more accepted. You might wonder how someone could be a self-identified heterosexual and prefer intimacy with the same sex. Sometimes, often times, especially in the beginning of a person’s identity journey, feelings may have been cut off and stored out of the mind because of a need not to see, because of internalized shame, outside forces, and more often a combination of both. Also in the beginning of tying to understand one’s own sexual identity, falling in love with the same sex person for the first time, one could and often feels that they fell in love with the “person”. As in, “I don’t love all women, I just love HER. I could have just as easily fallen in love with and loved having sex with a man, but instead I happened to have fallen in love and adore sex with her.” Yes, this person could be bisexual but very often I have seen this as a gay person’s attempt not to see the writing on the wall. Often, this same person eventually falls in love with woman number two and three. Intense love and good sex make it difficult to ignore the fact that they keep falling for same sex partners, or the person they keep falling for is gay, and maybe it’s time to raise the rainbow flag. But don’t be pushy, sometimes this process of knowing takes years and lots of testing out different scenarios, different partners. Be careful though, sometimes constantly wondering if the “right” man will come along then just maybe you will have a nice heterosexual, society condoned relationship, in the face of lots of evidence to the contrary could keep a gay person from enjoying fulfilling relationships and not to mention a lot of really great sex, just sayin’.
- Positively Gay by Betty Berzon
- Permanent Partners by Betty Berzon
- Love Ellen by Betty Degeneres
- Living Two Lives by Joanne Fleisher (coming out after marriage)
- Coming Out of Shame by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael
- The Advocate (magazine)
- AfterEllen.com web site
- Joanne Fleisher’s lavendervisions.com web site
- Human Rights Campaign web site
