Both From Venus and Still We Have Issues
The popular book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus seems to have normalized the differences between men and women and the subsequent conflict as a result of these differences. When these conflicts are normalized, there is less anxiety and panic around the conflicts. In other words, there is acceptance that certain conflicts are just a part of relationships.
In lesbian relationships there might be the opposite dynamic at work. There might be the thought that since both partners are women, there should not be issues like when the spouses are of a different gender. I think a book called, People Come From Different Planets might be of use. While there are those jokes about lesbians processing the process of processing….. people are different, not just due to gender. Personalities are different. People engaged in a committed relationship all have to negotiate the parameters of their relationships including how much together time, and how much separate time. People have all different comfort levels for different reasons.
Problems begin when time away feels like abandonment, when wanting more time together feels controlling, or when there is lack of trust when apart. When differences can’t be chalked up to individual differences but start to become repeated debates, it might be time to get to the underlying causes of these conflicts so that they don’t continue to escalate.
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