Parenting becomes difficult when couples are not in sync. If you have children, it is so important to become a team, so that you can co parent in the best possible way for your children. If all is not right in the marriage, issues leak onto the kids. Red flags to marriage difficulty include: parents sleeping with their children instead of with each other, strong alliances between parent and child pitted against another parent, undermining the other parent in front of the children, inconsistent rules between the two parents for the children.
I see lots of parents who wait until they are at the end of their patience to discipline, and then the punishment is extreme. Some parents might say nothing at all until they reach their boiling point and some might say idle threats that they have no real intention of carrying out, such as “do you want to have your birthday party?” If you want a child to know that he must stop doing something, explain to the child why he can’t scream in a restaurant or throw food, then, if he continues, explain that if he keeps doing the behavior, the child will be removed from the restaurant, and then, if the child continues the negative behavior, and this is very important, CARRY OUT WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO. Often the parent does not feel like following through, parents are tired, they want to enjoy their own meal in the restaurant, they don’t want to miss the fun……… If you follow through, the child will learn over time proper behavior and that you mean what you say. You might have to be aggravated and miss some meals with others, though the prospect for eating out with your child in the future is good. If, on the other hand, parents don’t follow through, the child learns not to listen to parents, that there probably won’t be consequences, and that the parents are not in control. The long term consequences for the parents being never enjoying meals out with the kids. Children will keep testing limits and boundaries, until behaviors get so out of hand, parents will think that the only way to keep control is through hitting, or scarring the child. The situation will continue to escalate, until more consistent discipline is used. Often parents will have to exercise their patient muscle and find support amongst other parents, friends and therapists when parents own impulses and tempers get the best of them. All parents sink under the frustration of reigning in kids sometimes, but if you find yourself falling to the extremes of ignoring a problem or reacting by screaming, hitting or threatening harsh punishments exceeding the crime, reach out for some extra help.
Hormones are raging.
My identity is a mystery.
I need something nice to wear.
( An adolescent describing adolescence)
Take the above quote, throw in some anger, intense mood swings, grandiosity, a ravenous appetite and wanting to run in a pack of friends, and you begin to get the adolescence picture. Common knowledge says that teens are a difficult group to manage. It’s not until your own child treats you with disdain one minute, and with disrespect the next, that whatever you thought you understood about teens turns to mush. That age is understandable, even humorous, when it’s someone else’s kid. No parent gets through without questioning, “Is this behavior out of the normal range?” Anna Freud’s take on this was: “To be normal during the adolescent period is by itself abnormal.”
It helps when other parents fess up that their perfect looking child gives it to them behind closed doors, too. Parents learn to appreciate the good, connected times, and the apologies acknowledging bad behavior, knowing all the while that the teen’s angry alter personality will be resurfacing some time soon. Parents, you know the drill: choose your battles, allow for independence when possible, be patient, remain calm, and armor up so you don’t allow your own esteem to take a beating.
On the other hand, simmering problems that have been hanging around for a while tend to flame up in adolescence. Symptoms just under the radar often scream out at around age 12 when the pituitary gland shoots a cocktail of hormones into the body. This is a time when behaviors have the potential to become more excessive. For example, a child who frequently needed to make sure the drawer was closed or the pencils were in the case might need to check so much now that her frustration starts to take a toll. Or a child who had leanings toward feeling not good enough in the world might begin to feel that way most of the time, so much that it affects his activities and social relationships.
This is often the time when parents have an “ah ha” moment. Maybe they never gave the behavior much thought, or hoped that whatever was troubling would go away as the child aged, rather than get worse. The parent now acknowledges or realizes for the first time that a behavior has always been there, but it just has not interfered in life as much as it does now.
How do you know when your child’s behavior is beyond the “normal” range? Some signs that your child urgently needs professional help are:
• Suicidal thoughts
• Talking about suicide
• Cutting one’s own skin
• Binging and purging
• Starving oneself because of feeling fat
Other signs that help is needed include:
• Feeling bad about oneself most of the time
• Constant or excessive worry
• Constant washing, grooming, checking
• An abrupt drop in grades
• Excessive aggression
• Isolation
In sum, if your teen is engaging in any behavior that seems excessive, odd, or out of control, don’t ignore it or tell yourself, “It’s probably just a stage of adolescence and it will pass.” You know your child best, so trust your instincts. If you are feeling uneasy or concerned about the changes in your child, seek help.
Taking that step can be intimidating. Parents might be afraid that others will think they are weak for needing help or feel ashamed to admit that their child isn’t perfect. But the truth is life today is complicated, and there is no shame in needing some helpful guidance when you feel that you may not have all the answers. In fact, it is one of the most courageous and loving things you, as a parent, can do. By addressing any issues now, you’ll be helping your teen navigate the difficult waters of adolescence, and also laying the foundation for a healthy adult life.
Parents want the best for their children. Who doesn’t want their child to grow up, have a nice career and marry a great guy or woman, whichever is the opposite sex of your child? The truth is, most gay parents would tell you that they too wish this scene for their own child, because everyone wants the easiest, most gratifying path for those they love.
When children’s thoughts and feelings smash up against what parents envision, there is often turmoil and distress. While most educated parents know enough to want to “keep the lines of communication open” with their child, sometimes it’s hard to tolerate what the child is thinking and feeling. This is particularly the case when a child is struggling with sexual identity.
Often in an attempt to want to help the child, parents caution that gay or bisexual feelings are not okay. Parents make it clear in the questions that they ask or the advice they give that being gay is not acceptable to them and perhaps the rest of the world as well.
Parents might be afraid that being gay will lead their child toward a path of difficulty and depression. They might worry that their child will get bullied, be treated differently, get a bad reputation, be ostracized amongst their peers and society as a whole. While in reality there might be some instances of that, what is truly a cause for concern is shutting the child down, instilling fear and anxiety, saying and doing things that cause shame and hatred toward oneself. That is the most direct route toward depression and risk of suicide for a child struggling with any kind of identity issue.
Of course parents want to be there for their children. But often, because of their own set of values and visions, listening to their children talk about homosexual feelings is too difficult to bare. Children know their parents well and often internalize these negative reactions. On top of potentially feeling bad about themselves and their sexual feelings, they slam the door shut on talking with parents. That too, sets them up to be at greater risk for feeling isolated and suicidal. Additionally, if the child is struggling with knowing themselves, they will often fight against what the parents views are in a very reactive way, thus making it even more difficult to tease out his or her own feelings.
Children are going to be sexual beings, often not on the parents’ timetable. If parents truly want to be of help, first they need to acknowledge their own feelings and how they might be contributing to the conflict. If you are wanting your child to share feelings and not be secretive, then you are going to have to find a way to listen more and advise less. You could acknowledge to your child these issues are difficult for you, and that you are working on listening more. And, as with most anything that a child struggles with, knowing that they are loved for who they are is essential for esteem.
If you find that your child is isolating, not doing well in school, being secretive, participating in escalating battles with parents, doing self destructive behavior or talking about suicide in any way, go for help. Often struggles with sexuality become a family issue. Everyone in the family needs to acknowledge their own feelings and see how they are participating in the conflict.
