Helping Your Child With Sexual Identity Struggles
Parents want the best for their children. Who doesn’t want their child to grow up, have a nice career and marry a great guy or woman, whichever is the opposite sex of your child? The truth is, most gay parents would tell you that they too wish this scene for their own child, because everyone wants the easiest, most gratifying path for those they love.
When children’s thoughts and feelings smash up against what parents envision, there is often turmoil and distress. While most educated parents know enough to want to “keep the lines of communication open” with their child, sometimes it’s hard to tolerate what the child is thinking and feeling. This is particularly the case when a child is struggling with sexual identity.
Often in an attempt to want to help the child, parents caution that gay or bisexual feelings are not okay. Parents make it clear in the questions that they ask or the advice they give that being gay is not acceptable to them and perhaps the rest of the world as well.
Parents might be afraid that being gay will lead their child toward a path of difficulty and depression. They might worry that their child will get bullied, be treated differently, get a bad reputation, be ostracized amongst their peers and society as a whole. While in reality there might be some instances of that, what is truly a cause for concern is shutting the child down, instilling fear and anxiety, saying and doing things that cause shame and hatred toward oneself. That is the most direct route toward depression and risk of suicide for a child struggling with any kind of identity issue.
Of course parents want to be there for their children. But often, because of their own set of values and visions, listening to their children talk about homosexual feelings is too difficult to bare. Children know their parents well and often internalize these negative reactions. On top of potentially feeling bad about themselves and their sexual feelings, they slam the door shut on talking with parents. That too, sets them up to be at greater risk for feeling isolated and suicidal. Additionally, if the child is struggling with knowing themselves, they will often fight against what the parents views are in a very reactive way, thus making it even more difficult to tease out his or her own feelings.
Children are going to be sexual beings, often not on the parents’ timetable. If parents truly want to be of help, first they need to acknowledge their own feelings and how they might be contributing to the conflict. If you are wanting your child to share feelings and not be secretive, then you are going to have to find a way to listen more and advise less. You could acknowledge to your child these issues are difficult for you, and that you are working on listening more. And, as with most anything that a child struggles with, knowing that they are loved for who they are is essential for esteem.
If you find that your child is isolating, not doing well in school, being secretive, participating in escalating battles with parents, doing self destructive behavior or talking about suicide in any way, go for help. Often struggles with sexuality become a family issue. Everyone in the family needs to acknowledge their own feelings and see how they are participating in the conflict.
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